I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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