I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Randomize
