I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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