His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
