oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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