saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
