Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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