margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
