She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
