i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
