omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I'm gonna fight the coyote
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
