When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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