i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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