my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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