At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
