I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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