I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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