Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
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