Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
