You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
