Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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