i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
