Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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