i don't like sucking hair
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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