just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
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