he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
