One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
