I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
