Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
The Olympian is in my bed
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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