Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Even my vagina gasped.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
You pole danced in your parka.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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