Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
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