Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
