dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
