I am in a vortex of obligation.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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