one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
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I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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