Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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