So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
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