It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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