The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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