I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
