Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
