i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
