Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
