Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I just want to make out with him forever
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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