dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Will you blow on my dice?
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
