Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
