My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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