if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
