i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
