Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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