I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
