Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
