I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
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