Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
