I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
